Why Rand Paul would be the least exciting candidate ever

I watch CPAC from afar every year the same way Diddy attends an awards show— far removed enough to not interfere with the action, but close enough to see everything going on.

I wear my sunglasses and nod silently as well—but that’s more for effect.

stay hydrated, my friends

Rand Paul won the CPAC straw poll by a large margin—for the second year in a row.

I don’t understand his appeal. He is vanilla mousse in a suit. He has no personality. He’s a modern day James Madison (smart, bookish) mixed with John Quincy Adams (erm, we like ur dad but you too I guess?).

trust no bitch

So let’s say Rand runs for President.

What’s the Rand Paul platform? The Rand Paul driving force? The Rand Brand?

There is none—and it’s a real problem.

Senators like McCain and Dole (and Kerry) lose badly (except Obama who was barely a senator–he may as well have been a private citizen who gave a DNC speech).

Governors like Bush and Reagan (and Clinton) win (when we support them *cough* Romney *cough*).

Romney was like Rand—intelligent, politically-famous and well-regarded father, inoffensive on the issues, big on charity—with the added bonus of being a Governor and having executive experience.

Maybe that’s why Rand is in the lead—he’s just milquetoast enough on policy issues that he doesn’t rile people like a Christie does–and there’s a discernible safety there. He hasn’t said or voted “wrong” on anything of note.

But can anyone name one of his positions or—wider focus—anything he’s ever said?

You can’t have supporting actors playing leading man roles.

I’m not just ragging on the right either. The Democrats have nobody decent/young/appealing. There’s no Obama heir-apparent. You have Hillary Clinton (Medea—not the Tyler Perry version), Martin O’Malley (candidate equivalent of a gaffer—useless union ‘tough guy’), Elizabeth Warren (crazy aunt from every family movie) and, of course, Joe Biden (Gary Busey impersonator).

But in 2008 there was no Obama either—until there was Obama. Remember how it was “Hillary’s Time”? Her supporters are still unearthing forged Kenyan birth certificates.

Outside of male opera divas (Christie), young guns who can’t memorize their lines (Rubio), and three ugly stepsisters (Huckabee, Santorum, and Huckabee), it’s no wonder the Rand Brand is catching on.

By default.

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